Dating Profile for Nowhere

Hi! I’m Dan. I’m 6’4″, 33 years old, and I still wear my retainer every night.

I got my braces off when I was 13. My orthodontist handed me my retainer and told me to wear it as long as I wanted my teeth to stay straight. So here we are.

When I die and am laid to rest, I’ll be wearing my retainer. My obituary will read: “Dan loved his wife and together they raised three great kids and several dogs and cats. He took care of his teeth and his teeth took care of him.”

I’ve been running for even longer than I’ve worn orthodontia. It’s my favorite way to get across town and my favorite way to catch up with old friends. Running—not wearing orthodontia.

My best friends are all runners, but I’ve never dated one. I’ve always been drawn to people through other shared interests: things like books, summer camp, and not overcooking eggs.

I mentioned summer camp. Day camp, computer camp, running camp, camp camp… yes, please, and thank you, to all. It’s less a place and more a way of being. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Maybe I lost you at retainer.

But if I didn’t, let’s meet for coffee. We just might hit it off.

One thing before coffee, though: are we on the same page about not overcooking eggs?


  1. Melissa
    October 5, 2016

    I love this Dan. I hope life is treating you well. In need to get back into my FM Track running days with Jerry. Hope you have a wonderful day

    • Dan
      October 5, 2016

      Thanks, Melissa! It’s good to hear from you and I’m glad you liked the post. I’m not in my FM running shape but have had success doing short runs here and there. “No run too short” is a good mantra for getting out of a rut. Take care and so long for now!

  2. Brian
    October 5, 2016

    I’m on the same page for the eggs. I was in NYC this past Christmas and someone “taught me to make eggs”. They said, “these eggs are called ‘lazy guy eggs’, you mix the eggs and butter and salt and pepper, then to put them in the pan and turn it up to low/medium. You stir,” until your arm wants to fall off, “and the eggs become a perfectly smooth, non-runny but not-dry consistency. You may need to remove them from the heat at times to keep them from cooking fast. Then they are done”. In summary: you stand for 30 minutes stirring eggs. “Lazy guy eggs”; my ass. However, they are the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. Ever.

  3. corben madden
    February 16, 2017

    “orthodontia” ? haha love it man


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